[Week 34] 3 more weeks to go…

We are almost there… almost there!

Am constantly reminding myself that it’s just 3 more weeks! Have faith! Everything’s gonna be alright…

Our Last Few Days With Little N.

We are starting to get little flashes of our last few days with Nathan.

Memories are starting to fall back in place- for some reasons, we’ve been having a hard time recalling our days with Nathan.

It does bring fear at times when flashes like this happens but deep inside, I do hope I can remember more things about Nathan when we finally see Sib at the labour ward.

Truth Is, It Is More Than Just Counting Down.

The anxiety. Worries. They are starting to show as the days to her arrival date is nearing. Every single ‘signs’ seem so exaggerated probably from my gynea’s point of view. lol.

Even though the counting down gets us super nervous about everything, I kinda realised what truly matters most to us right now is the time we spend each day with our loved ones, especially with Sib.

It doesn’t matter if something were to happen again… I just don’t want to regret having not spend enough time talking and playing with her. I don’t want to waste my time feeling worried on things that I can’t control anyways.

I Need To Trust God And Have Faith That Everything Will Turn Out Fine.

We are absolutely thankful for all the blessings we have so far, even the loss of Nathan- it doesn’t stop us from feeling thankful for giving Nathan to this family.

So I shall take each day as a blessing from God… thankful for all that we have. Without Him, there will never be ‘us’ now.

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[Week 28] The 3rd Trimester Begins…

Dear Nathan,

Just want to let you know how much you’ve been missed dearly each day. Our hearts are still in great pain every time we think about you and I think it’ll forever be there till we unite with you in heaven.

Your little sis has been growing well and she now weighs 1.3kg at 28 weeks! Gynea forecasted that she will probably be around 2.8kg when she arrives to this world at 38 weeks! Though you can’t be around to share the joy with us, we know that you will be anxiously looking out for her like a guardian angel.

We love you so much, Nathan! Till we meet again!

Love, Mommy

 

 

[Week 31] 6 more weeks to go…

We have 6 more weeks to go. As the big day draws nearer, our fear of losing little Sib grows simultaneously too. Had a htht session with my mom today, sharing with her how I’m taking things one day at a time. Keeping my hope as low as possible, and just enjoy each day spent with little Sib.

And that made me realise the difference between ‘fear’ and ‘appreciating’ each day to its best. There’s a fine line between being afraid to think of the future vs I-just-want-to-spend-each-day-to-it-best-and-whatever-comes-it’s-a-bonus kind of mindset.

I do hope that when the big day comes, I’ll be able to overcome the fear of losing little sib. Cos’ I know that if I keep that fear in me, it will only manifest and become a bigger/ never ending fear when she grows up.

Do keep us in prayer as we learn to fully trust and have faith in God that only He will heal us from all these fear. And that I will truly enjoy the remaining pregnancy time with little Sib till she joins us in this world as our dearest little baby.

God bless our family and may we continue to give encouragement to those who are going through or been through difficulties like us. Amen!

 

[Week 16] Yay but still worried…

Sib is officially 4-month old in mummy’s womb now 🙂

Day seems to pass damn slowly but we are trying our best to enjoy every moment with Sib. Felt Sib’s first solid kick yesterday! [Yay! Another milestone unlocked!]

We’ll be visiting our gynea in 2 weeks time. Will try to keep my anxiety and worries out of my silly human mind for now.

Week 14 check-up went extremely well

Couldn’t really sleep the night before… and was feeling so nervous as I wait for my turn to see my gynea. Not too sure if I hid my ‘nervousness’ well enough but Dr Kenneth’s bubbly-ness calmed me down a little.

We did the scan straight away and I was holding my breath praying for everything to be okay. We ended up seeing our little sib in a ‘praying’ position- lol. And yea- phew! All is well 🙂

Thank God for keeping our little sib safe and healthy. Taking one small step at a time to look forward to sib’s arrival. 5 more months to go! Ganbatte!

On a separate note…

I realised Facebook can sometimes do more harm than you would expect. 

Am starting to block a couple of facebook posts here and there… I think sometimes those Facebook posts triggers your ‘anxiety button’ for nothing. -.-|||

If it wasn’t for my job to monitor the social media space, I would have just deleted my account… at least for the next 5 months.

I was quite affected by a post from a friend who’s otw to the hospital for labor. That made some flashbacks of our little N who had braxton hicks a week before he passed. I remembered how much I was hoping that it was a real contraction, and how much I hoped we induced him out even though dilation wasn’t even at 1cm…

It brought so much memories… and there goes my afternoon I guess…

 

[Week 10] The Night Before Our Check Up

[Week 10] The Night Before Our Check Up

It’s week 10! 3 weeks just flew past pretty quickly.

I’ve been counting down for tomorrow’s check up. Feeling kinda nervous about it actually. On one hand, I can’t wait to catch a glimpse of the little sibling and yet on the other hand, I don’t know if there’s gonna be bad news coming our way during the check up.

I’ve been reminding myself to leave everything to God. Trust Him with all my might and strength. I know it’s easier said than done, the kind of fear and uncertainty simply turns me away from God.

I know that I need to overcome this fear. The pregnancy is a blessing to us no matter how it goes. This is our trial, our journey with God. I hope to overcome the inner fear and strengthen my faith in Him through this pregnancy.

From this perspective, I see a more meaningful journey than to fear each coming days like walking barefootedly on a thousand needles. Lets have hope, and trust that everything is in God’s good hands, Amen.

I will say to the Lord, “You are my place of safety and protection. You are my God and I trust you.” – Psalm 91:2

Learning To Appreciate Life All Over Again

Learning To Appreciate Life All Over Again

Both Tim and I can’t be any happier with the recent news!

It feels different to be pregnant again. A mixture of feelings- happy but fearful at the same time. I would like to document our entire pregnancy journey to encourage mummies to continue to overcome pregnancy after loss. Hang in there, mummies!

Week 7 (2nd Sep’16)

To give this new pregnancy journey a pleasant start, we decided to change our gynea this time around. There’s nothing wrong with the previous gynea but the change in environment helps get away those negative memories.

We went to the clinic a week after I found out I am pregnant. Pardon the ‘kancheong’ spirit here, the gynea could only spot the little seed (Nathan’s sibling) and to confirm the pregnancy.

(2 weeks passed)

This week, we went to the clinic for the second time. It is supposed to be an important scan- heartbeat has to be formed by now. It was too early for gynea to detect the little sibling during the previous visit. I’ve never felt so nervous with the scans- it has always been smooth sailing during little N’s time.

At first, it took a while for gynea to spot the little sibling. We saw the sac and he was searching for the little sibling. I held my breath for that few short minutes, praying hard at the back of my mind- “God, please let Nathan’s sibling grow well and stay healthy.”

And within a few minutes, he found the sibling! Gynea turned on the audio to let us hear that awesome heartbeat! We haven’t felt so happy for a long long time!

I know it’s gonna be a long pregnancy journey- living each day so cautiously like walking on broken glasses or if you prefer the biblical way of saying “walking on water with faith”.

I’m very thankful to have the constant support from Tim, my mom, close friends and new friends I’ve met at the pregnancy loss group. Most importantly, I know that God is looking out for us no matter what happens. I thank God for giving us this light of hope. Though we will never know the outcome- the only way to overcome the evil fear is to keep reminding ourselves that God is in control of everything.

To Tim:

Thanks for being the sturdy tree for the family. We’ve been through tough times but let’s not forget the good times. Let’s fight the fear and enjoy the journey with little sibling. Whatever happens, at least we know that sibling has a brother in heaven who will be there to look out for him. I’ll complain lesser and start learning to appreciate pregnancy life all over again.

To little sibling:

You are our rainbow of hope and God’s blessed child. Stay strong and healthy- always remember that God loves us no matter what.

P/S Your amazing heartbeat tells me how much you yearn to fight together with daddy and mummy. Be brave and keep fighting!

Love,

Dee

A confinement that’s different from others

A confinement that’s different from others

The toughest moment has passed and I’m truly thankful for having wonderful people around us. And it’s also through God’s everlasting love that has been shielding us as we grieve over the loss of our little Nathaniel.

Doing confinement wasn’t easy for both Tim and I. The initial excitement about taking turns to look after the baby and Tim volunteering to be my confinement ‘nanny’- it just didn’t feel so fun now.

While every other mothers are happily getting busy with breastfeeding their newborns during confinement period and parents coming over to make confinement food, mine was a terribly lonely one.

With no baby to look after, the confinement was just solely focusing on my physical recovery. No baby cries, no midnight feeding either.

It was truly the toughest moment we’ve ever had. So much for having everything all planned for Nathaniel’s arrival. I remembered those sleepless nights (while Tim on the other hand suffered from some mental exhaustion). Thankfully after sharing my insomnia issue with our close friends, they suggested a few good christian books to read before bed time. It helps. Dabbing a few drops of lavender aroma oil on my pillow helps too.

P/S Drop us a message if you need some book recommendations. 

The mental recovery wouldn’t be smooth without the honest sharing with one another too. It help us understand each other better and knowing what’s going through our mind whenever we think about the loss our little boy.

I am truly grateful for having Tim around with me through this difficult time.

To Tim, thank you for nursing me so well when I was at my weakest. I wouldn’t be able to go through all these alone without having you beside me. Thank you for staying awake through my sleepless nights and making sure that I share all my thoughts with you. Truly, I have never once regretted bearing Nathaniel, our son. It has been a wonderful journey for us three in the past 10 months. Though it was short, but it is a meaningful one. Lets continue to create more wonderful memories together. Love you always.

To moms who are going through the same phase of life as us, you are not alone in this. Join our private Facebook Group to share and give support to one another. Your invaluable sharing may help others in overcoming their loss as well.